UNCORRUPTED

In the midst of war, a future so bleak lingers

Only the strongest rally back from combat

In line of duty ,for God and ones country

Tussles and clashes ,an unholy dance choreography to the proclaimed holy war

Red brim rising

Apocalyptic skies engulfing

Ravaged lands windswept ,slowly and inevitably reclaimed by the sands of time

Barren deserts ,reminders of a once thriving civilization fallen

A never ending bloodbath in pursuit of an unblemished future

The torn fabric in humanity’s existence

From the ravages of war ,only so much can survive and thrive

The calvary matches in pursuit of conquests

Fulfilment of duty,a mission worth enduring

With the tussling leaves,hidden from the theatrics of war,big ultramarine eyes lurk

Twinkle lost to the constant pounding waves of pain

Scarred

Dejected

Cowed from the glance

An angel fallen from the realms of heaven

In the wake of waged war,the impending truth evidently crystal clear

Piercing orbs scars of the violent strikes

Hostile confrontations and constant revolts

Doe eyes acknowledge that in the land of the damned,little children are just one more forsaken soul

They beg

Plead for mercy

Severance from the shambles ensuing

In that moment ,the internal strife arises

A search of God in the vast badland of silence and screams  

Crest down

Capitulated

War is death,but in the kill zone surrounded by deafening shots ,he found me

  Infiltrating my internal scuffle,saved me

One last silent valediction, I walked away 

Even the best intentions sometimes can be vile

Looking at her so peacefully asleep,crawled up in her sheets

I conclude yet another deep set episode for the night

Sleep tight


May the memories of the flowing waters be an eternal chronicle of how mankind almost destroyed each other

WRITTEN IN THE STARS

Starry starry twilight

constellations engulfs the city of lights

A serene scene where hopes ignite and dreams alike face grisly demise

In some moments of eerie silence ,a multitude of souls can be heard crying out for help

Trying not to drown in their own tsunami of thoughts

The deserts sands candidly sounds to the petrified stark bones deep beneath the shallow basalt cornerstones

A disembodied soul sobs hidden ,yet so exposed

So many implied that she hide,telling her no one would love her for who she is

Struggling to contain the wails so bitterly embedded

Repeatedly invoking a seance with her departed mother

Crumbling from the shackles of this world and another 

She stands ,petrified 

Stiff from the apprehensive colossal  audience 

In fear and trepidation mutters a silent prayer to her deceased matriarch

To the world ,her thoughts so outrightly shunned but from my seat 42J

I can hear all

 See all

Appreciate her dazzling beauty

Hear her thumping heartbeat

The gushing blood in her veins

The crippling fear in her eyes

I can’t fail to notice her confidence egressing

Her twitching fingers ,refrained by the shackles of her own entanglement

Petrified

She is not cut out for this

So much scrutiny from people

So many faultfinding eyes

Over critical about how she looks

  Finical over how she talks

Criticizing her every walk

The body is willing but the soul is not

She never wanted this

Not like this

All her life she dreamt of the limelight,but now standing directly beneath it blinds

Along the way she lost her path

Emersing herself into a make believe reality

Afraid of all her scars

Scared of being judged for all she was not

Vulnerable to abandonment,she adorns a mask

Maybe if humanity embraced their demons ,hell would not wield so much power over us

Masquerading that all is fine but beneath the guise of all  the glamour and glitter

Its a facade

Weighing her down and it is exhausting

Perfection is a disease of a nation,pretty hurts

Insecurity an ugly thief who has stripped her bare and left her defenceless

She can’t even raise her hand as they assume she is attacking

If only the people surrounding her listened

Stopped breathing for a moment

They could hear what she wanted to shout out to the rooftops

I do

Her censored desires

Her deepest thoughts

Deep inside she tells herself;

I just wish people could see beneath all the superficial

For who i am not who they want me to be

Each day am fighting a battle i just can’t seem to win and most days i pray for valediction

A coup de grace

A dance with my mother just one more time 

I want something larger than life

To spread my wings and take flight

Live life to my own accord and colour myself outside the lines

Embrace my imperfections

  For once in my life breath without feeling suppressed

Live devoid of oppression

Liberated from the barricades of the world 

 From seat 42J, I hear him whisper to me

Run

Run and never stop 

Run and never look back

He sees who i want to be

He sees me for me

Looking at the crowd one more time i look to his eyes for assurance

My final fight

Dropping the mic,shedding my costume,i run towards the door

Away from the eager crowd into the night

I am no longer afraid of the dark

Leaving their path ,i head on to find mine

A quest to rewrite all the stars

MEMOIRS OF THE 20TH

YEAR 2020:
Isolated from the world,in the midst of a pandemic

World pallidly devoid of colour

In the fringes of darkness ,i stumble across an old dusty parchment,aged by the wrinkles of time 

Historical moment or maybe just a pass time

A remarkable escapade from the ever tormenting reality 

A memoir lost to time


It reads;

IT IS 1918

Efflorescence season

Moonflowers dominate fields standing tall with all the grandeur and splendor possible

Coloured and brimming with life 

Though a sombre mood resonates all through

The devils trumpet sounds,a call to the imminent end

With the lapse of time,the radiance fades

Reaching the summit of their existence,pallor takes over

Petal after petal they shrivel and succumb to their misfortune

Maybe a foreboding of what was to transpire

Their final disappearing act

The skies have fallen,and with them the archangels

Birds don’t chirp anymore

They never seem to flush at the gushing winds

The sun just doesn’t shine the way it used to

Stars and the moon no longer sing along to the heavenly midnight melodies

Words never seemed right before but now the silence is engulfing

Sulphurous sands excruciatingly blinding

Mortified environments daunting

All i can hear are cries ,wails and laments to the damned 

Many resigned to watch their loved ones drift into perdition

I heard her cries too,once ,not so long ago

No longer strong,they are crumbling under pressure

Tears dried up from the constant impalement

Haunted by ghosts in their sleep,they can no longer shut their eyes

Unable to find an inkling of peace

A pressing reminder of a brisk valediction

Blessed be their soul as they set sail to the land of fire and brimstone

May they find solace and sanctification for their dejected souls

I remember it

A silent killer

The plausible deceiver

The termed perpetrator to a massacre of endless fatalities

An annihilation of humanity

So many lives lost ,so many left in a wistful life ,hurting

By comparison not a twinge,not torture but excruciating damnation

Many times i have imagined how they felt in extremis

Right before the light went out 

When Azrael’s voice called on them

All alone,isolated from the world

A plague too contagious repulsing all near and dear

I can’t

I just can’t seem to contemplate the complexities of emotions felt and i weep for all left behind in the dark

Depressed and distressed

Through the wormhole into another universe ,i hope of a time encapsulated by very different outcomes

Humanity just not being an antecedent but a thriving kind 

Into the horizon,graves are lined ,tombstone epitaphs engraved

So many containing unfulfilled dreams ,burned out hopes,blown out candles 

Stone throw away,unaffected by the deaths many remain unaltered

Our own self destruction

Induced into believing that the killer is a hoax

  The grim reaper transfigured into the joker

Draw me a poker face and call in a blush

But beneath all that the impelling verity that all fall victim lingers

I can term that the greatest glitch in the system 

Tiding time ,we held on to the hope of one day walking barefoot on the beach,holding hands with those we love

Hearing the birds sing their joyous songs once more

Having the strength to smile again

The storm would pass

Slowly trying to rid my mind of the memory off the monster that took and never stopped

A rippling wave in time but inefficient to submerge the mighty human lifeship

  Perpetually embedded ,forever a reminder

May the futurity be brighter than the precedent

I hope you get to see the aurora Borealis in its full glory some day,it is an impeccable sight

Long gone i may be,but my memories live through the bloodline

 The memories of a time humanity almost vanished but kept hope alive

All will be well


Your dearest

great grandfather

Emotions flood,I will keep on keeping on

Holding on to the hope of brighter days yet to come

Picking up a pen and paper,a century from now,i will be the hope to a lost soul in trying times

OUTLANDER

Ardent most days

Crawled up in my crumpled sheets

A tribute to the broken ones

Sacrifices to the bones long gone

A glow very few ever knew

Each day a pursuit into the crux of yet another being

The intricacies of a world painted in shades of white and greys

I want to explore the nuances of their creativity

Find escapism from a life filled with voids ,violence and broken glass

A moment of basking in the literal pleasures that my own just cant seem to live up to

Page by page

Line after line

Word by word, they seem to come alive

Dancing off the monochromatic pages of the antique masterpiece into a stringed cord of perfect symphony

Wanderlust filled,my mind embarks on a voyage into the intricate existence of a mysterious enigma

Radiantly handsome

Filled with youth 

Bursting with life

An epitome of facial innocence

Impressionable in every sense

The picture of enchanting beauty

Yet a soul filled so with rage

Tarnished beyond salvage

Traded to the devil for the affluence,drawing a very thin line between good and bad

Right and wrong

A devil adorning velvet

There were moments he looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realise his conception of the beautiful

Reflections in the mirror resonates his fleeting youth

A fading beauty with the lapse of time

The protagonist to his own demise

A far,still yet so near

A dear in all forms

Conventionally minded

A smile iridescent of all colours of the bows

A perception artistically endowed

Saw the world in all its glory without its debauchery

A fervent supporter of ethical righteousness

A viewer of humanity for everything they could be but were not

Their innate goodness

With all he has,he gives him his all

An ultimate sacrifice

Colours on a canvas,he puts too much of himself into it

Selfishly to keep to heart till the end

An amorous entanglement

In all the moments he felt blue,the belief due of much greater views triumphed 

But with love saw the horrors beneath the awe striking beauty 

Tragedy ensued

Died as he had lived,a stab to his heart and soul

Pursuant of a life unattainable

A status unobtainable

A life devoid of obligation and regret

He ,the devils advocate 

An angel consumed by sin gave up on everything 

Past catching up,debts due ,the narcissist can no longer seem to keep the world revolving around him

Absorbed in his entitlement

Can no longer hold the grains of time in place 

A tear to the portrait

The ultimate betrayal of ones own

The fear of perishing obsolete

  In the end ,the ephemeral nature of his beauty became his greatest foe

Snapping into realisation as i finish the last word of a bittersweet journey

Staring at the epilogue

Craving for just one more line 

Wishing i could get lost and never come back

What can i do?

Where do i go from here?

Saudade that the story may have been greater

But ooo it was

Tears, sadness,joy all a mocktail of emotions my system cant seem to process

Opening the window ,the realisation that the world is still the same is revolting

Unaffected by the revolutionary journey i had just concluded

The void untampered

I guess life is better in an imaginary capsule

Better a peripatetic in a fictional version of reality than a soul in an empty reality


Picking up my next voyage,i set sail

DEVIL IN PRADA

Wearing that dress he loved so much,she hoped it would remind him of what he had lost

The love he had missed

The homestretch of a severed love,she had loved and lost

Regrets and mistakes are memories she had made

The silence of her words after the storm hell raising

Murky memories,face whitening

She had thought she was in love,but realised it was just the pain

In her heart and the ice cold soul

Tangled up in the web she had weaved herself

Obsessed by the fire of an unfulfilled love

Blindsided by a one sided love, never realising she was just scared of winding up alone

In the dark crypt ,its not that bad anymore

Tangled up by the web she weaved herself

With deception he tore her heart out of its cage

A void in place

Her hearts grave

The heart of glass unsalvagable

She is left whispering the songs of the dead

A soulless tyrant

Lost in the eerie darkness and no light of redemption

Grown custom to make due without a heart

To surviving without a pulse

Burning with desire to avenge her lovelorn proclivity

A grim reaper of sorts

A heart lost,a soul gained

To set his world ablaze

Haunt his deepest memories and torment his wildest dreams

For every chance accorded ,1000 scars befit the crime

To her broken soul,vengeance for a life filled with fouls

Even from a distance ,his resistance is still greater that it ever was

Her heart was never fragile before gazing upon him,the whole underworld can attest

Now a heart made of stone

Body of bones

Scars an eternal reminder of the bar once set so high that she never met

The game is only done when somebody wins

Bereft in love but never concealed

The epitaph on her tombstone engraved

A poor soul who loved in life gained through death either way lost in both

KARMA

Sitting behind the steering wheel,tank empty and just a dollar to my name

Miles away from home,driving towards nowhere

Listening to Adele,crying my eyes out

I keep chasing pavements

Suddenly I’m in need of a place to get away

A moment of escape

As i am slipping fast from the taut rope that just snapped

Kept hoping i would make it this time,but am so done with hoping

Tumbling towards ground,i think i missed a step

I was never one to say goodbye

Never one to think things over

I just don’t know why i always run away,why i always hide,why i am scared to take a chance

This was never what i had in mind

10 years and the truth is always catching up to me

Can’t seem to believe this is happening…again

Memories replaying themselves without my control making me feel like an extra in my own movie

The times in my childhood when Today always seemed worse than Yesterday and the day after took the prize for the worst of the worst

The memories i had tried long and hard to suppress seem to be flooding back

An era i had blindly chosen to erase out of existence ,the unsteady part of me looks very vivid now

I can remember the times i shut my door and blasted my ears with music to mute my mother screaming in the kitchen

The moments i closed my ears to every little argument they had

Days i cried myself to sleep as the screaming never stopped

Times i took the long way home,just to buy myself that extra minutes of peace

Nights i chose to go to bed hungry because the atmosphere was too static and a fire was ever so willing to ignite

The months

The months i walked alone scared that everyone was laughing and taunting me

Making the joke first,getting the punchline right,i hoped it would hurt me less

It didnt

I just wanted to fit in,i never did

Sometimes,most times,i thought i could fix them

Make them better

Put my fairytale family back to the pedestal it deserved

But the more i tried ,the more they drifted apart

With the truth running wild my jungle of hope burnt

I never really understood them

Always believed that they just didn’t want to work their differences out

I loathed them

I despised them for that

Kept telling myself it would be alright,it was not

It never was

Lividly lashing out, the only words i could tell them was I hate you

Threw in the towel and kept wishing i was invisible

Wished to be someone else,anything else

A ghost maybe,oblivious of reality

Prayed for a whole other family

A better one

A perfect one

For every tear i shed for them,i swore to never be like them

Looking back,i was naive

I was stupid

I built walls,to keep me in,to lock them out

Most nights i wanted an escape route to Neverland

Anywhere but there

Heaven perhaps ?Even hell sometimes felt like a very subtle option compared to my house

Then came the separation

Walls caved in

My world crumbled

The final blow to an already unstable foundation

I did not deserve this

Why would you put your kid through this?

I ran away in search of a play pretend life

A near normal life

10 years

10 years and my near perfect life is the farthest it can be from perfect

Still running

Ever looking behind my back

Paranoid and afraid to go home

My life a chapter of lessons learnt the hard way

Experiences from things i couldn’t see when i was younger

Times i was stupid

Sometimes Love is just not enough

Other times,love just does not work the way we want it to

The expectations

The sacrifices,can lead one to the brink of collapse

To me,it has

I now realise,no one is perfect

Not even them

Human above all,they also crash and break down

Wish i saw it sooner

They too fall out of love

I have

When all love is gone,what else can you do?

Sometimes,its better to let someone go

I know now

I never saw the signs ,the fights,the struggle to keep it together when they slowly fell apart inside

Why was i so preoccupied with myself that i never took time to see them as something more than my parents

As people

Taken time to understand them

Seen all the times my mum had faked a smile when she was hurting

The moments she kept fighting when all she felt like was crying

The days dad broke down crying behind closed doors after kissing me goodnight

Suddenly seeing things clearer than i ever did when i was younger

All i want to do is close my eyes and never wake

I messed up

Bad

I swallow my words like a bitter pill but i cant seem to come to terms with all the embittered words i said

To them,to myself

I’m struggling to stay afloat

I saw their monsters and now i see mine

I just cant help but notice they look very similar

Guess i am everything i thought i was not

I am sorry younger self

Raising the stereo volume”Should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements..even if it leads nowhere “

Hitting the fuel gauge,i guess ill be chasing my demons down an empty road

THOUGHTS

Early morning and you are lighting your cigarettes,looking out of the window

Reminds me of the night we walked back home

Told me you had lost your keys

And that is all I keep thinking about

I felt it in my body when I saw you then

Deep deep blue

Horridly hypnotic eyes yet unsettlingly calm

You were cold,unfeeling ,I remember

Yet you had a warmth emanating from your core

The winter to my summer

I knew you were the one

We were suited for each other,I believed

We were strangers

Drawn in by a cosmic attraction

That’s what it was

I was looking for a lover disguised as a sinner,and I found you

You are all the wrongs in one place

You giggle at funerals

My friends warned me of you

I keep telling them they just don’t get you,they never have

I am addicted to you,I admit

My favourite drug

I keep falling for you and I’m sure when I hit the ground it will hurt

I’m always struggling to catch a breathe from the love I have for you

Though I keep waiting on your love,I cant seem to tell what you are thinking

I’m all in and am falling

Most days I feel like a fool for dreaming

But out of the millions of places I could be, I would rather be here with you

For I see something beautiful beneath the scars

I was so angry long before I met you,for never finding love,never having loved and been loved the way I deserved

But when we synchronized,you became my do or die

Suddenly I felt like I had found the last piece of the puzzle

Looking at you,I long for the touch of your hand

The day we will listen and sing along to cliche’ old school love songs

The moments we will wear itchy matching Christmas sweaters

I just earnestly wait for the day we will kiss under the mistletoe

But over and over,you keep messing with my head,one moment saying you miss me then the next you cannot even look at me

Sometimes you don’t feel like talking,maybe in the morning, I guess

The timing is just never right

We keep saying things we are later going to regret,I know I do

I know you have been falling into pieces,but I just don’t know how to piece you back together

Happy or sad,you are beautiful

I wish you could see that I love every version of you

The fire that burns in you is a reminder of the strength out of the weakness

I really hope you know

I love you,so much

Call me selfish,but I just cant have a life without you

I hope to have a life with you,die a day before you so that I may never live without you

When the smoke clears,I can see your piercing eyes looking at me from the bed ,our bed

The same look in your eyes as the day we met

I lied

I lost my keys on purpose

And I know that is what you are thinking about

There was something about you

Something new

I felt it in my body when i saw you around

Large impenetrable emerald green eyes

You possessed a warmth foreign to my body

The summer to my winter I said

You confused me

We were from different worlds ,I knew

Strangers

Drawn in by loneliness,what else could it have been

I was looking for someone to help me escape my past and you found me

A sinner

You are everything right in each sense

They said I was not for you

I keep chasing waterfalls and dancing with my ghosts

They never understood me,they never tried

The more I try to get you out of my system,the more you seem lodged in

Stuck

I don’t want you to get hurt

I just cant take it,I wish you knew

More and more,I feel like I am underwater when I’m with you,suffocating and I cant seem to catch a breathe

I am not even sure I have any love to give

Please just tell me what you are thinking,it pains not knowing

I seem to continuously fall,even though I keep trying to hold on

I am scared,as all I see are monsters in my nightmares

I wish you could just take a look at the millions of people out there before you got stuck here with me

A grotesque monster unworthy of love

I was so angry at the world when I met you

For all those I had loved before you

Those I had loved and lost

For never being loved the way I deserved

But when I saw you,I felt like I had finally stumbled upon the hardest piece of the puzzle

I long for the day ,I will touch your hand without fear

The days we will run hand in hand into the sunset

The day we will take horrible pictures and frame them up

The day I will be able to die in the name of love

Yet you keep pushing me to the edge and sometimes I just cant take it

I miss you but I know my eyes will tell you something different

So,I push you away

We can talk in the morning when the monsters are no longer in my head

I have said things I regret,I really have

Lately,I have been falling into pieces and I don’t think you can fix me

I love you,but i cant keep losing myself to your gravity

I feel like a freak

Every morning i wake up and i don’t like what i see

I try to ,I really do

Can you love this version of me?

That is not happy all the time

That crumbles in the midst of drama

That is filled with trauma

I kept messing up all my life in the hopes of finding someone like you

And now that i have found you,im done chasing bodies

Call me selfish,but i cannot see a life without you

I’m ready to fall in love again

To give us a chance

To love you like you love me

Throwing away the cigarette butt ,I’m ready for a new perspective of love with you

LAMENTS OF A DEAD SOUL

Broken on the floor,and I’m crying

Pen down my feelings ,if i am being honest i will let it all slide down

I never anticipated it would end so fast

I was too naive and i gave him my trust

I thought we were lovestruck,soulmates forever intertwined

His terms of endearment jumbled up my thinking

The promise of love greater than others dazzled my finite mind

I believed he was the one i had been searching for all my life

Never thought i would be here,crying for help

He kept cheating and lying to my face

I could smell the perfume on him every time,but i kept saying am OK, kept faking it

I am tired of lying through my teeth,i know i have to cut him off

I finally see the monsters i had never been able to glimpse upon

I’m feeling like i just cant breathe and my tears are all dried out

I wish i could breathe again without a ventilator,have my heart beat on its own without being on life support

I never stopped to think that it would come to this

I was caught off guard and soon lost my defence

Drowning ,and all i can do is drift to survive

Tormented,there is no coming out of this

There were so many red flags

But i was so blinded by love

My heart bigger than my head

I was over my head too much,i guess

You told me so,and now i wish i had an eraser

With it to get a clean slate,a new start

I just wish i had listened to you

Taken time to see the light

I am all alone,and this place just doesn’t feel like home

Remembering how i argued through the night,slamming doors and shouting back,i am sorry i was ever like this

The atmosphere was ever so static, always ready to spark a new fire

Sobbing,pointing fingers at you for everything that happened

Blaming you for mums passing

For breaking our family apart but never stopped to see you were stretching yourself apart to pull us back together

With her gone,you jumped in like you had a manual,but i was always moving in reverse

I expected so much of you ,that i never realised you had struggles of your own

My pain is cutting through like sharp razor blades and am barely living

Regret weighs up on me and i cant seem to support the weight

I saw you as a barrier hindering the pursuit of my love

A cage barring me from flight

A wall of solitude

My heavy heart decimates thinking of all the days i answered back,justifying my undying love for him

When i blocked your number and ran away from home,leaving you searching aimlessly through hospitals and streets

Every moment you endured my backlash and selfishness

I never listened,thinking i knew better,thinking i was the first in love

I was stupid

I was dead beat annoying

You deserved better ,i now know that

With you it was different,never lost your temper

Never let me go

Even when i eloped ,you kept trying to bring me back home

Kept your arms open

Fixed it only for me to break it

I was never suicidal,but for all i have done,i feel like crash landing

Igniting flames on the way down and forever being encased by the embers

All along i missed the joke

I guess i am the joke then

Paint me a smile and colour me a clown

I threw myself out,I threw everything out

I keep dancing on my own but could not seem to find where i fall

There are so many monsters underneath my bed,and despite shutting my eyes,they seem to be engraved in my mind

I don’t need reprieve,i just don’t want to be angry anymore

Father ,i am sorry,for i have sinned

I just want to come back home

Can i please come back home

To you

Im dead within and without you words lack meaning

The world stopped spinning

My back is leaning and i even stopped dreaming

I don’t know what else to do ,what i can do

So many letters i have wrote,never found the courage to even send one

Each a different voice of apology

A confession of my hearts condemnation

Is it not ironic? That the person i tried to get farthest from always seems to be the closest in heart to me

Knees down ,heart exposed,i conjure up all my deepest apologies with which cannot describe the magnitude of my repentance

To you,mum and to God

The prodigal daughter returns and i pray you may find it in your heart to forgive me

I owe you dad,as you loved me more than i ever did love myself

Pray I must,that you may love me just one more time

Sincerely,

Your daughter

UNREQUITED

Its 3 Am and she is calling

Her voice muffled , crying

Hysterical

I can feel her heart throbbing

The weak pulse of a taped up heart

She is unable to compose herself

He left me

Devastated,drunk in an alley

It is this again

It is him again

It is always him

I find her cramped up in a tiny space out in the streets

Worn out,all cried out,shivering from the frigid cold

I feel her suffering

See her pain

What did he do this time?

Picking her up,i take her home

I am here now,hush darling dont cry

Angels don’t cry

She is frail,weak,dried out

Stumbling,creeps into bed

I stay by her side as she falls asleep

I would love to wake up next to you,tonight and always

I really would,i would give anything up to

Brushing her hair softly, gently caressing her beautiful caramel skin

Her face,so distraught yet so beautiful

If only you knew how much i loved you

If only you understood how much i need you

How lost i am without you

How long i have loved you,lived for you

How long i have lived with the fear of professing my unfaltering love to you over the fear of rejection

Beneath the flaring sun and ravishing stars ,my love lies within your borders

My allegiance in your corner

From the moment i met you,i knew that i would love you till the day i died

But,you just don’t love me like that

You never have

We are just friends,but friends dont do the things that we do

Friends dont know your body like i do

Friends don’t have chemistry when they touch

Friends don’t feel like i do and it hurts

Knowing Im just the one you run to when he leaves

The one you cry to,when he breaks your heart

The one you call,when its raining out

She has always fallen for the wrong guys

Ever been prone to bad choices

Always loved those who could not reciprocate her love

Opened all the windows,when she closed down all the doors

Gave up on everything to follow a love she believed in, that ended up as a roll a coaster ride

He has broken her heart so many times before

But she blindly lets him in , only to have to pick herself up in the morning and pretend nothing ever happened

He keeps playing her like a broken record on repeat

To her letting go of him is severing her lifeline

Accepting to die

She is a slave of love to a person who relinquished all his rights of ownership to her heart

I wish you could see beyond the hypnotic infatuation

Sometimes the picture is clearer than you want it to be

Understand the severity of your situation

Know him for his true identity

He doesn’t care ,he never has

To him,you are just a pawn in his game

He is wrong for you in so many bad ways

Always the bad boy,metallic rings,tight black pants,leather jacket

He swoops in and you crash having to pick yourself from the dust over and over again

You are so covered in dust,that your sparkle had tarnished

Before he waltzed in ,you were healing

You were recuperating

With me you were

You said so yourself

Does he know how much you have suffered?

How much you have had to endure because of him?

The times I have had to pick you up from dirty bathroom floors after a breakdown

The days you lost your way home after drinking yourself to a stupor with the intentions of drowning your sorrows

The mouths you have kissed thinking it was him

The beds you have had to lay on in the attempts to forget him

The nights i have had to stay over because you couldn’t sleep over nightmares about him

Yet,in a day he sends you plummeting to rock bottom

Each worse than before

It irks me

Torments me

By loving him,you lost everything

Looking at the mirror,you seem to have forgotten how to smile

Your puffy mascara filled eyes devoid of the glimmer they once possessed

You are so scarred and filled with pain

Breathe always filled with liquor and constantly drowning your sorrows in alcohol

You keep staggering to keep it together yet you cant seem to find your composure

I know its a facade and its exhausting ,a front to disguise your pain

Next day 5 pm and you are struggling to get out the door

Meeting him up again

You are your own destruction

Your pain never seems excruciating enough

Scanty clothes and faced baked in makeup and overlaying lipstick to conceal her emotional scars

She is ready for yet other daggers to the heart

I know he will be there

He said he is sorry

He wants us back together

She believes they are a match made in the rain

For a moment,thats the happiest she has been ,believing in a string of beautiful lies that she herself deep within can attest are true

Why do you do this to yourself

Why do you torment yourself so?

Why cant you just let him go

Love me

See me

I am so drunk for you that i cant seem to get sober

You are like an overdosed drug in my system that i cant get clean of

An imprint in my DNA,and forever I am the casualty in this game called love

But the heart wants what it wants Yours wants him ,and mine wants you

A want i cannot have

Reluctantly,i let go, I will pick up the pieces when she crumbles again

This is the price i am willing to pay to be by your side

To keep calling out your name

To have a home within you

Torture im willing to endure with the hope that someday you will be mine

I have to let you go so that you may find your way back to me

With a heavy heart,i loosen my grip from her wrist letting her walk into the dark of the night

THE CONTRITION…..

I hate myself

For loving to hate you

I break down in my bed

My tears flow

Bitter tears filled with regret

I let them flow

Im stuck reminiscing and playing out our lives

Hitting rewind and leaving it on repeat .

I cant shut my eyes because all i see are monsters in my head

I had issues,but i really loved you

I did

I hid behind the curtains but you drew them and let in the light

And i am grateful

I never meant to start a war,i wish i could tell you that

You got the worst of me and now there is nothing i can do but live with the overshadowing regret

Within you ,i was whole

Without you ,i am crumbling ,fading Disappearing into oblivion

I really wish i could reverse the time

Rewind the clock to the moment it all started.

I was the devil in your life ,but you saw beneath the tarnished halo and grotesque scars

You saw the angel beneath my demons

I am sorry,i never lit up your night sky the way you deserved

I love you,and i hate you at the same time

Why did you have to leave

A bittersweet balance of love

You are still breaking my heart and i cant seem to find the plug to shut down my feelings

All i can do is pray

I just cant live without you

I cant go on

Yet am too weak to hold on

I never really quite appreciated your presence,until now that you are gone

I never quite felt the void before it was all empty

I never really quite loved you until there was nothing left to love

I remain ,licking my bruises,nursing my wounds

If heaven exists,i hope you are there

I pray that you are happy

I hope you have found peace

R.I.P my love

I never got the chance to tell you

I never got the chance to show you

congratulations,

you will be a dad.

That is what i really wanted to tell you,but never got the chance to

Forever and always my love

FOREVER AND ALWAYS❤️

Until we met again